Studies Show Zero Social Mobility Between High School and Rest of Life
MACON, GA—A terrifying new study reports that high school students suffer from segregated conditions based upon their social standings. 
Research done by the University of Smisson, in Boston, Massachusetts, shows that 98% of high school students at Springdale High School, are judged by their social class. Popular pupils, for example, are now known as the “upper class” in society. While the average Joes and band geeks are forced to eat inside or even in the bathroom stalls, the privileged students are able to have off-campus lunch every day, and sometimes it is even served to them without pay. “Diana,” 15, from Springdale High, says, “I would never touch the cafeteria food when nowadays I can eat at any restaurant in the city for free.” They are all treated as separate economic classes rather than a variety of social groups. Another study completed by Fallon University, in Liver, Connecticut, shows that the popular girls and boys are given A’s for any completed work, and they are never required to do their homework or complete their tests accurately. “Regina,” 18, from Springdale High states, “I received a full ride to Princeton, and I never even had to pick up a pencil my entire high school career.” Other students similar to Diana and Regina from the Macon high school are now segregated from their other classmates because of the new class division between popular kids, “floaters,” and geeks.
The “middle class,” or the “floaters,” also suffer from the segregated conditions in Springdale High. According to many credible sources, being cursed with middle class syndrome involves many repercussions.
Since floaters would not dare be involved with any types of sports (those are only for the popular upper class), the middle class is forced into the slavery of picking up athletic equipment. Scooping up balls and racquets has become daily life for the average floater at Springdale High. Floaters are also forced to stay in the confines of their white-walled cafeteria during lunchtime. While the propitious “populars” gallivant off to wherever they choose to eat lunch, floaters are limited to the boundaries of their cold, dull tables at Springdale.
Because teachers at Springdale High are also subject to the inescapable reality whereby social class affects economic standing, this factor influences their grading. No matter how hard most students try at Springdale, they can never receive anything above the average C. Earning the coveted A is something that all floaters yearn for, but never seem to accomplish. One student at Springdale, “Joan,” comments, “I just can’t seem to do any better than a C. I mean, it’s not my fault I’m a floater—I can’t help it.”
Joan later went on to tell us that “I didn’t choose the floater life; the floater life chose me”
Not only are the “floaters” suffering from this new discrimination; cliques that include band members, theater people, and nerds—the lower classes—are in complete anguish due to their harsh conditions. “Eugene,” a member Springdale’s drama club, reveals, “Lunchtime is the worst time of the day. Adjusting to these new guidelines has been extremely torturous. During lunchtime, my ears used to be filled with laughter and lighthearted conversation. Now, these sounds are replaced with sorrowful crying, or silence.” Eugene’s lunch period is now so agonizing because he, along with the rest of his clique, is forced to eat lunch in his designated bathroom stall.
These conditions forced on the Lower Class do not only harm their physical health, but their mental health also. Dr. Alfred Smiles, president and founder of Springdale Union to Aid the Lower Class, shockingly divulged, “I have prescribed potent medicine to at least forty students from Springdale High School. The anti- depressant, Cymbalta, should satisfy their need of happiness and keep them from taking drastic measures, like suicide. All of their symptoms were the same. I guess depression simply comes with being in the theater and band. Poor students… there is obviously nothing they can do.”
The hostile social hierarchy also applies to academics—ten out of ten lower class students are failing their classes. According to “Walter,” a band member, “No matter how hard I work and study, I cannot make anything higher than a D.”
The levels of segregation and injustice between the upper, middle, and lower high school classes only seem to worsen, according to a poll taken by the National Students League. When asked to comment about these conditions forced upon the middle or lower classes, the USUC, Union of Springdale Upper Class, replied, “Can’t talk, we’re late for Starbucks.”
The Stratford Alternative 