My friend, the guy who majored in graphic design, just recently decided to put his art skills to good use! He is doing the weather reporting now for this blog. (I really think this is turning into something watch out Arianna Huffington!) He actually studied the weather reporting at The Weather Channel for some time, so here is his innovative, not corporately sponsored, form of weather reporting.
A friend of mine, who majored in graphic design, is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and has several felonies on his record (most of which aren’t even a big deal like selling drugs to pay for art school). And worst of all, employers are telling him that majoring in graphic design is the biggest flaw on his transcript! Who would have thought! Well, now his only form of income is crippling depression, so in an effort to prevent him from taking his own life and to give him purpose, I have hired him to be the social media consultant. Check out the new Facebook page here!
Studies Show Zero Social Mobility Between High School and Rest of Life
MACON, GA—A terrifying new study reports that high school students suffer from segregated conditions based upon their social standings. 
Research done by the University of Smisson, in Boston, Massachusetts, shows that 98% of high school students at Springdale High School, are judged by their social class. Popular pupils, for example, are now known as the “upper class” in society. While the average Joes and band geeks are forced to eat inside or even in the bathroom stalls, the privileged students are able to have off-campus lunch every day, and sometimes it is even served to them without pay. “Diana,” 15, from Springdale High, says, “I would never touch the cafeteria food when nowadays I can eat at any restaurant in the city for free.” They are all treated as separate economic classes rather than a variety of social groups. Another study completed by Fallon University, in Liver, Connecticut, shows that the popular girls and boys are given A’s for any completed work, and they are never required to do their homework or complete their tests accurately. “Regina,” 18, from Springdale High states, “I received a full ride to Princeton, and I never even had to pick up a pencil my entire high school career.” Other students similar to Diana and Regina from the Macon high school are now segregated from their other classmates because of the new class division between popular kids, “floaters,” and geeks.
The “middle class,” or the “floaters,” also suffer from the segregated conditions in Springdale High. According to many credible sources, being cursed with middle class syndrome involves many repercussions.
Since floaters would not dare be involved with any types of sports (those are only for the popular upper class), the middle class is forced into the slavery of picking up athletic equipment. Scooping up balls and racquets has become daily life for the average floater at Springdale High. Floaters are also forced to stay in the confines of their white-walled cafeteria during lunchtime. While the propitious “populars” gallivant off to wherever they choose to eat lunch, floaters are limited to the boundaries of their cold, dull tables at Springdale.
Because teachers at Springdale High are also subject to the inescapable reality whereby social class affects economic standing, this factor influences their grading. No matter how hard most students try at Springdale, they can never receive anything above the average C. Earning the coveted A is something that all floaters yearn for, but never seem to accomplish. One student at Springdale, “Joan,” comments, “I just can’t seem to do any better than a C. I mean, it’s not my fault I’m a floater—I can’t help it.”
Joan later went on to tell us that “I didn’t choose the floater life; the floater life chose me”
Not only are the “floaters” suffering from this new discrimination; cliques that include band members, theater people, and nerds—the lower classes—are in complete anguish due to their harsh conditions. “Eugene,” a member Springdale’s drama club, reveals, “Lunchtime is the worst time of the day. Adjusting to these new guidelines has been extremely torturous. During lunchtime, my ears used to be filled with laughter and lighthearted conversation. Now, these sounds are replaced with sorrowful crying, or silence.” Eugene’s lunch period is now so agonizing because he, along with the rest of his clique, is forced to eat lunch in his designated bathroom stall.
These conditions forced on the Lower Class do not only harm their physical health, but their mental health also. Dr. Alfred Smiles, president and founder of Springdale Union to Aid the Lower Class, shockingly divulged, “I have prescribed potent medicine to at least forty students from Springdale High School. The anti- depressant, Cymbalta, should satisfy their need of happiness and keep them from taking drastic measures, like suicide. All of their symptoms were the same. I guess depression simply comes with being in the theater and band. Poor students… there is obviously nothing they can do.”
The hostile social hierarchy also applies to academics—ten out of ten lower class students are failing their classes. According to “Walter,” a band member, “No matter how hard I work and study, I cannot make anything higher than a D.”
The levels of segregation and injustice between the upper, middle, and lower high school classes only seem to worsen, according to a poll taken by the National Students League. When asked to comment about these conditions forced upon the middle or lower classes, the USUC, Union of Springdale Upper Class, replied, “Can’t talk, we’re late for Starbucks.”
A colleague of mine recently posted this brilliant piece on her blog, and I thought it to be fitting to post on my blog as well. Keep up the good work!
Fuck The Patriarchy, Literally
Regina Dominic | 15 April 2014
As the leader of the Macon chapter of the association of Radical Women, I think it’s time for a serious societal change. The issue of femeyl oppression is something we have dealt with for far too long and it is still present today. We should thank the pioneers of wymyn’s rights and historical role models that have paved the road for our work, but we need to do them the honor of attaining equality once and for all.
We do not receive equal pay, we are overly sexualized in the media and we are viewed as inferior to men. Especially here at Stratford, one can easily see these issues in every aspect of our lives.
We wymyn need to band together. We need to stand up for our rights and forcefully assert our place in modern times. We should not cower before the idea of extreme measures – for this is an extreme issue.
For example: Sadie Hawkins; a disgusting submission to the standard that only men can pursue wymyn. WHY is there only one particular dance where we get to pick a guy of our choice? Shouldn’t both genders feel free to ask whomever? Well I, for one, am done dealing with these issues. “Girl Talk” is no longer sufficient for me. I propose an effective, revolutionary plan.
Castration.
All of the dogs. All of the “gentlemen” who don’t respect our authority and insist on such atrocities as opening doors for us (I MEAN, HONESTLY?!) or malevolently oppressing us through language itself, using the DEGRADING pronoun “women”. This method will set a standard by which we will finally reach the superior position in society that we deserve. If they insist on valuing us by our sexuality then we will take away theirs. It’s the most simple justice.
These effective measures should not stop only at punishing the barbaric bastards. We wymyn need to stop the women that give in to the over-sexualization that men force upon us. I’m talking about the shameful women that shave their legs, shave their armpits, wear bras, wear makeup, etc. “I do it for myself: not anyone else” *ACHOO* Excuse me, I am allergic to BULLSHIT. These disgraceful femeyls cowardly give in to the uncontrollable sexual desires of men and hide their weakness behind the excuse that they do it for themselves. They play right into the idea that wymyn are inferior and take no stand whatsoever. Just the other day, I saw a regular girl walking towards the science building. Some egotistical bastard had the audacity to walk right up and open the door as if she was not capable herself! And the horror does not stop there; the unsuspecting girl then gave in to his degrading actions and actually said, and I quote, “Thank you!”. AS IF HE HAD DONE HER A FAVOR. True wymyn are comfortable with our own natural bodies and confident that we are just as, if not more (undoubtedly more) capable of doing things on our own.
In case some still have concerns about my modern approach to dealing with this issue, let me tell you of some of the sexist crimes that have occurred on our campus and in our society DAILY. Take this personal experience of mine, one that happened just last week: in an obvious ploy to assert his dominance, a male condescendingly pulled my chair out for me. We wymyn cannot mistake this “courtesy” as genuine; it is a sly, passive-aggressive attempt to push us even further down the social chain.
We need to take a definitive stand, and I do not see any other way to do this. Castration is a fair, effective option that I believe all true wymyn will stand behind.
Throughout my childhood, I was constantly taunted, ridiculed, abused, patronized, and insulted by my peers and, worst of all, my parents—the worst tyrants to walk the Earth since the Bush administration. This comic depicts my hardships, humiliations, misfortunes, and contretemps in a way that subtly, yet wholly, foreshadows my future as an unrelenting, inflexible orator of truth. The unjust crimes committed against me as a child created me into the humyn I am today—I am the Michelangelo of atheists. I catch science in the headlights of my justice and sculpt it in stone. That’s all thanks to my sculpting major, which was DEFINITELY worth several hundreds of thousands of dollars and massive amounts of debt. Bonus points if you can spot all of my brilliant, subtle metaphors. (hint: one metaphor is the the paper bag which represents the false truths fed to us by the Christian tyranny.)
Okay, as most of you know, I love Starbucks. One day, as I was sitting on my usual beanbag and messing with the instagram filters on my phone, I had this amazing idea to take a picture of something I don’t think anyone has ever taken a picture of. Take a look!
Lurking in the depths of YouTube whilst enduring this awful Easter weekend, I found someone who is not afraid to speak out against the Christian tyranny! *One fedora tip to you my good sir. Keep up the good work!
Yesterday, I was denied a job. The reason? The cerebral activity of sculpting, my college major, is apparently “useless.” Also, the employer declared that unless I cut off my dreadlocks (which expresses my unique individuality!) I could not legally be hired. What has society come to? An intellectual, professional atheist like myself cannot attain a job which I rightly deserve! I, an enlightened individual, believe that I have been discriminated against, but not by any individual, by the entire system! The corporations have infected the government, and a new order needs to replace the current plutocracy. I have decided that capitalism is the worst atrocity ever committed against humanity. Nothing is more catastrophic than the intoxicating drug of capitalism. The covetous politicians in Washington stole our freedom and rights for the purpose of augmenting their own wealth. They pulled the wool over our eyes! Look around sheeple! You are merely a farm animal being herded by the capitalist agenda. My psych 101 professor at Brown University truly opened my eyes to the tragedies occurring around the globe. What are some examples? Global warming, Vietnam, the Gulf War, and 9/11. What do they all have in common? All were caused by Christian politicians that believe a magical deity in the sky will save them after they die. HA! Those ignorant, conservative fools fancy us, Guy Fawkes truthers, to be idiots for “believing” in our lord noodle, but the joke is on them! Those morons will never understand the brilliant satire that is the Flying Spaghetti Monster! But, I digress. The democratic system, sadly, is beleaguered by avarice; we require a new form of rule, and we require reformation within the current pedagogy of savor-faire. I would elect one individual, preferably a militant, enlightened atheist, to be the entire government. The government would prioritize the human, the family, and happiness over money. The government would be so expeditious that capitalism could be driven out of this country in a matter of months. Neil deGrasse Tyson would enlighten the world with his euphoric agenda of atheism. The only two priorities would be to cure all creationists of religion via euthanasia and abolish capitalism. Maybe then I would be equal to everyone else and not such a disappointment to everyone…wait I mean maybe then there would be none of the endless competition that causes the suffering we see today and I can’t get a job and why did I major in sculpting I’m such a failure oh god why
Michael Bay: The Next Sigmund Freud?
The intellectual depth of this new Michael Bay movie has provided me with a window into the collective consciousness of all humyns. This is truly the most cosmopolitan piece of art I have ever experienced. The psychoanalytical depth of this movie paints the ego in a way never before seen. I urge all readers to take time out of their busy schedules of sculpting to check out this gorgeous flick.
This man inspired me to take up arms against the religious hordes. Prompted by the incident yesterday, I’ve dedicated myself even more to the cause of anti religion. Thank you Carl Sagan, you are a hero to us all.
The Stratford Alternative 