A friend of mine, who majored in graphic design, is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and has several felonies on his record (most of which aren’t even a big deal like selling drugs to pay for art school). And worst of all, employers are telling him that majoring in graphic design is the biggest flaw on his transcript! Who would have thought! Well, now his only form of income is crippling depression, so in an effort to prevent him from taking his own life and to give him purpose, I have hired him to be the social media consultant. Check out the new Facebook page here!
Experience
My Past
Throughout my childhood, I was constantly taunted, ridiculed, abused, patronized, and insulted by my peers and, worst of all, my parents—the worst tyrants to walk the Earth since the Bush administration. This comic depicts my hardships, humiliations, misfortunes, and contretemps in a way that subtly, yet wholly, foreshadows my future as an unrelenting, inflexible orator of truth. The unjust crimes committed against me as a child created me into the humyn I am today—I am the Michelangelo of atheists. I catch science in the headlights of my justice and sculpt it in stone. That’s all thanks to my sculpting major, which was DEFINITELY worth several hundreds of thousands of dollars and massive amounts of debt. Bonus points if you can spot all of my brilliant, subtle metaphors. (hint: one metaphor is the the paper bag which represents the false truths fed to us by the Christian tyranny.)
My Attempt At Something Never Attempted Before
Okay, as most of you know, I love Starbucks. One day, as I was sitting on my usual beanbag and messing with the instagram filters on my phone, I had this amazing idea to take a picture of something I don’t think anyone has ever taken a picture of. Take a look!
At Last!
Lurking in the depths of YouTube whilst enduring this awful Easter weekend, I found someone who is not afraid to speak out against the Christian tyranny! *One fedora tip to you my good sir. Keep up the good work!
On A Crime Against Humanity
Yesterday, I was denied a job. The reason? The cerebral activity of sculpting, my college major, is apparently “useless.” Also, the employer declared that unless I cut off my dreadlocks (which expresses my unique individuality!) I could not legally be hired. What has society come to? An intellectual, professional atheist like myself cannot attain a job which I rightly deserve! I, an enlightened individual, believe that I have been discriminated against, but not by any individual, by the entire system! The corporations have infected the government, and a new order needs to replace the current plutocracy. I have decided that capitalism is the worst atrocity ever committed against humanity. Nothing is more catastrophic than the intoxicating drug of capitalism. The covetous politicians in Washington stole our freedom and rights for the purpose of augmenting their own wealth. They pulled the wool over our eyes! Look around sheeple! You are merely a farm animal being herded by the capitalist agenda. My psych 101 professor at Brown University truly opened my eyes to the tragedies occurring around the globe. What are some examples? Global warming, Vietnam, the Gulf War, and 9/11. What do they all have in common? All were caused by Christian politicians that believe a magical deity in the sky will save them after they die. HA! Those ignorant, conservative fools fancy us, Guy Fawkes truthers, to be idiots for “believing” in our lord noodle, but the joke is on them! Those morons will never understand the brilliant satire that is the Flying Spaghetti Monster! But, I digress. The democratic system, sadly, is beleaguered by avarice; we require a new form of rule, and we require reformation within the current pedagogy of savor-faire. I would elect one individual, preferably a militant, enlightened atheist, to be the entire government. The government would prioritize the human, the family, and happiness over money. The government would be so expeditious that capitalism could be driven out of this country in a matter of months. Neil deGrasse Tyson would enlighten the world with his euphoric agenda of atheism. The only two priorities would be to cure all creationists of religion via euthanasia and abolish capitalism. Maybe then I would be equal to everyone else and not such a disappointment to everyone…wait I mean maybe then there would be none of the endless competition that causes the suffering we see today and I can’t get a job and why did I major in sculpting I’m such a failure oh god why
Outrage: A War on Nonreligion
The most ridiculous thing happened today which elicited anger out of me that I haven’t felt since Jerry Falwell warned parents that Teletubbies made kids gay. I was sitting down by the street, minding my own business, doing my job, spreading the word of atheism, when I sneezed. And, to my horror and surprise, a (clearly) militant religious capitalist had the audacity to utter a “Bless you”. Readers, I have tolerated much abuse since coming out as openly atheist, but this is truly one of the most violent crimes ever perpetrated against me. I just stood there, silently, as the felon walked past with a smirk on his face and a skip in his step. As if he just struck me down with his false god’s lightning. I can not even begin to vent my frustration except to reaffirm my commitment to fight against religion fervently and relentlessly.
This author’s schedule, (for posterity).
6:30 am – Wake up and shower using “Just old enough” exfoliating crème.
7:00 am – Groom beard, take and post a picture on Instagram titled “Just got out of bed”
7:20 am – Check tumblr
7:45 am – Drink smoothly blended organic coffee while eating organic cereal and watching Desperate Housewives.
8:00 am – Place skinny jeans in dryer, to insure snug fit.
8:15 am – Leave apartment for barista job at Starbucks
5:00 pm – Return home and change into skinny sweat pants and deep v bed shirt.
5:15 pm – make soothing green tea latte and marathon Teen Wolf
8:45 pm – Check tumblr
9:00 pm – Get in bed and put on cleansing face mask.
The Stratford Alternative 