Yesterday, I was denied a job. The reason? The cerebral activity of sculpting, my college major, is apparently “useless.” Also, the employer declared that unless I cut off my dreadlocks (which expresses my unique individuality!) I could not legally be hired. What has society come to? An intellectual, professional atheist like myself cannot attain a job which I rightly deserve! I, an enlightened individual, believe that I have been discriminated against, but not by any individual, by the entire system! The corporations have infected the government, and a new order needs to replace the current plutocracy. I have decided that capitalism is the worst atrocity ever committed against humanity. Nothing is more catastrophic than the intoxicating drug of capitalism. The covetous politicians in Washington stole our freedom and rights for the purpose of augmenting their own wealth. They pulled the wool over our eyes! Look around sheeple! You are merely a farm animal being herded by the capitalist agenda. My psych 101 professor at Brown University truly opened my eyes to the tragedies occurring around the globe. What are some examples? Global warming, Vietnam, the Gulf War, and 9/11. What do they all have in common? All were caused by Christian politicians that believe a magical deity in the sky will save them after they die. HA! Those ignorant, conservative fools fancy us, Guy Fawkes truthers, to be idiots for “believing” in our lord noodle, but the joke is on them! Those morons will never understand the brilliant satire that is the Flying Spaghetti Monster! But, I digress. The democratic system, sadly, is beleaguered by avarice; we require a new form of rule, and we require reformation within the current pedagogy of savor-faire. I would elect one individual, preferably a militant, enlightened atheist, to be the entire government. The government would prioritize the human, the family, and happiness over money. The government would be so expeditious that capitalism could be driven out of this country in a matter of months. Neil deGrasse Tyson would enlighten the world with his euphoric agenda of atheism. The only two priorities would be to cure all creationists of religion via euthanasia and abolish capitalism. Maybe then I would be equal to everyone else and not such a disappointment to everyone…wait I mean maybe then there would be none of the endless competition that causes the suffering we see today and I can’t get a job and why did I major in sculpting I’m such a failure oh god why
The Stratford Alternative 